The Cliffs Note Story of my Life

I know I’ve been sappy lately but I feel that maybe if I share my story, someone can relate? This may be annoying to some, some probably don’t understand and that’s okay. I’m not really a private person. I like to be transparent because life isn’t perfect and I’ll never pretend that it is.
I do like to post about my family and my accomplishments because this also shows others that good can come from the bad. Let me explain.
I grew up as a very confused child. My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mom quickly moved me far away from my dad. My life with my mom was far from stable and I spent most times scared, confused, and really missing my dad. I had to grow up fast and be more of a mother like figure to my little brothers. Which is probably why I still feel the need to mother them (even though they probably don’t enjoy the tough love part of it)
As children, we saw and heard things that no children should have to. Things happened that shouldn’t happen to a child etc.
Looking back, this is when my anxiety started. I didn’t know what it was at the time.
My dad got custody of me at 10 and that was one of the best things my parents could have done for me. I know it hurt my mom, but I think deep down she knew this is what was best for me.
Everyone knows, I have the best dad in the world. But even the best parents, can’t always be there to protect their children.
I was bullied in school to the point I would come home with bruises. I was depressed and still struggled watching my mom struggle with her own life.
Fast forward, I have Jayden. Having him saved me, it really did. There were struggles there but I wish to leave that part out of this story.
Then comes Jax. And he’s been such a joy in my life.
I realized that I wasn’t happy. I had somehow lost myself along the way. I decided to go back to school and was determined to succeed. I didn’t want anyone to ever tell me that I wouldn’t have something if it wasn’t for them. I wanted to be able to give my kids what they need without anyone else.
Divorce is hard and scary but it’s what needed to be done and everyone is better off now because of it. Another part I choose to not go into detail on.
By the grace of God, I found Tyler. Or he found me? But I now finally know what it feels like to be in love and to have that love reciprocated.
Since being with Tyler, he has watched me lose my mother, my grandma, and two dogs that I loved dearly. We also brought a beautiful baby girl into the world.
I’m still trying to navigate all this grief I hold onto from over the last two years and even from childhood. I don’t want to be a burden to my loved ones but I feel I need to allow myself to feel in order to heal. It’s a thin line that I’m trying to figure out. I know I’ll get there.
My point is, everyone has a story. Everyone has pain. No one is above anyone else and everyone’s feelings should be seen as valid.
Please allow grace to others. Some of us still have their scared child self inside trying to heal.
There are times when I haven’t been kind. And trust me, words that I’ve said to some people still haunt me. I’m upset for letting my emotions get the best of me and not being a good version of myself. I’ve mended those bridges and apologized for any role that I played in a bad situation. And if anyone feels hurt by me, I truly apologize right now. If you’re reading this, I’m so sorry.
I’m not lost. I’m not losing my mind. I’m just grieving. I do try my hardest every day to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend etc. and some day I’ll be able to put more effort into everyone. I just need to recharge and forgive myself until then. So please allow me grace.
I’m always here for anyone who wants to talk.

A Shoutout to the Moms Like me

Well, missing my sons kindergarten graduation has inspired me to write this blog. As I sit here, eating this piece of chicken, I’m thinking about how shitty I am in this moment. My ex and I co parent our 6 year old, so sometimes school information gets lost in the shuffle. This is one of those moments.

I am the mom who lets her kids eat powdered donuts for breakfast and raviolis for lunch. (From the can of course) Your sucker fell on the floor? Yes, go ahead and pick it up and eat it, if that will save me from the absolute shit fit you’re about to throw. In moments of dispair, I will pretty much let my kids do anything if it helps me keep my sanity just a little bit longer.

The fruit I buy is usually not organic, and some times the only fruit they get is in a package of fruit snacks. Yes, I surely get criticism over this, but what is a woman to do when her kids won’t eat it? Shove it down their throat? I’d like to see you come try. My toddler has the pickiest appetite ever. He lives off of pop tarts, raviolis, suckers and water. Yes, I said water. Maybe the only thing I’m doing right here is having my kids be hydrated.

I am not part of the pta, but I am involved. I go on field trips and party days, but I just can’t completely conform. Most of the other moms are nothing like me, and I hate being fake.

Okay, prepare yourselves. My kids watch television and play on iPads!!!!! Yes, I just said that. I like to get shit done around the house, and that is the only way. If they get enjoyment from it, and I get a little peace and quiet, I call it a win win. My boys love to be outdoors. They run wild, play in dirt and make messes. They also play with toys and beat the crap out of each other. So it is sure as hell nice to have some wind down time with the old boob tube or iPad. I promise you; their brains aren’t being sucked out. I let me kids watch Jurassic World and super hero movies. Not sure if that’s normal or not, but they love that shit.

I don’t do Pinterest. Again, I know, I suck. I don’t make the crafty treats or knick nacks. What would happen is; my kids would make a huge mess and beat the feck out of me with the supplies. Don’t get me wrong, I think that shit is super cool and appreciate the moms who do it. But that’s just not me.

My parenting style isn’t standard. My language isn’t perfect because I have a slight potty mouth. Most days I’m frazzled from meeting their demands. But I can promise you, these kids are healthy, happy and sure as shit loved. And that’s all that matters. My kids won’t remember the moments where I “slacked”, what they will remember is their mama loved them more than she loved herself, and will kick anyone’s ass for them!

 

When Imperfect People Judge You for not Being Perfect

It has taken me 20 some years to love myself. The reason for this is I used to let other people’s judgements affect the way I perceived myself. I have spent my life feeling the need to be perfect because imperfect people made me feel that way.

Criticism comes in on all different levels. Some days it’s been as extreme as someone pointing out that I have one pimple on my face while they have several. So I would go home and stress over my face in the mirror forever. I always felt that it was okay for everyone else to have flaws, except for myself. This mind set can be very self destructing.

Really, it all started because of my weight and my hand. I remember in kindergarten someone wouldn’t hold my hand because it was different. Up until that point I thought I was “normal”. From that day forward, I would hide my hand. For those of you who don’t know, while my mom was pregnant with me she got in a car accident. It was either from the X-rays or her prescription drug addiction that made my right hand not fully grow. I spent much of my whole life hiding it and ashamed. If a girl didn’t like me, that was their first place to hurt me. In high school it even went as far as girls writing me nasty notes about it. Almost every day I would cry because kids were so mean.

My weight has also always been a target. I am naturally thin. I don’t have an eating disorder and I never have. Some people struggle to lose weight and I struggle to keep it on. “Skinny shaming” seems to be something that is justified. I’m sorry, it just isn’t. When I was younger, kids would call me stick or twig. These words destroyed me. I hated myself. As a young girl, hearing so much negativity about yourself is terrible. Things have gotten better as I aged. I still hear people judge me though. Please don’t come up to me and say I need to eat, or that I might blow away. I have worked so hard to gain 18 pounds and am proud of myself. I am not going around pointing out what may be your flaws so please don’t point out mine.

I am now 100% confident but it has taken me years to rebuild and learn how to love myself.

Everyone is different. No one is completely alike. There is always going to be someone smaller than you, bigger than you or taller than you. Don’t judge someone for their weight or the way they look, you have no idea what struggles they fight alone!!! Instead, compliment them, you can make someone’s day  by simply being kind. I just find it simply insane when imperfect people judge you for not being “perfect”. Let’s try to change the way people see each other and know that everyone is perfectly imperfect and that is awesome!

To the Mom Who Feels She’s Failing

I know I’m not alone here. At some point, every mom, will feel like she’s failing. Whether you work or stay at home with the kids, being a parent can be hard. For me, I’m currently a stay at home mom. This is what I’ve always wanted. Regardless of this being my “dream”, it doesn’t make it any easier.

For me, I get no breaks from the kids. I literally live in kid world with barely any adult interaction. By the end of the day, I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I want to cry. I try to remind myself to be grateful, but I’m not perfect and sometimes I slip into sadness. The days are long when the kids scream at you and each other all day. When you are busy cleaning up from one mess to the next. Sometimes, I get to the evening and haven’t brushed my teeth because I don’t have “time”.

Between the yelling, messes, hitting and crying, I somewhere lose myself. My whole focus is on the kids, that I forget about myself. I make sure they are clean and are fed but sometimes forget to comb my hair. All of this makes me a worn out mom. I never get rejuvenated and it’s not fair to my kids. They don’t understand why mommy is tired and frustrated. I wish I had the answer to this thing called parenting, but I don’t.

Parenting isn’t terrible, I don’t want you to get me wrong. I’m just saying that it’s hard; and it’s okay to be honest about the struggle of it. Everyone says to enjoy it while it lasts, but there are some moments you just can’t enjoy and you shouldn’t be expected to. In between these terrible moments, there are always great moments and that’s what keeps me going. When my son kisses his brother or helps him find a toy, this is where I know I’m not failing. When my son tells me I’m the best mommy ever, this is where I know I’m not failing. If we are present, if we love and if we try the best we can; we are not failing. To the mom who feels like you are failing, you aren’t alone, and you are doing a good job!

Some day you’ll see all your hard work paid off. Until then, make sure you take a shower, brush your teeth, take a cute selfie or drink that beer. You deserve it!